Sex Education

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Lesbian Sex 101: The Myths, Legends, Toys and Positions

Looking to enhance your lesbian sex life? Perhaps you’re here as a complete novice to lavish lady loving. Or you may be a curious straight person, by which all means, come on in, there is plenty to learn. 

Whatever your fancy, this Lesbian Sex 101 will guide you into the intricacies, histories, myths and tools for opening your mind to tackling lesbophobia and fetishisation, your heart to inclusivity, and your body to more pleasure. 

Lesbian Sex: But what is lesbian sex, and who is having it? 

Traditionally, ‘lesbian sex’ would be understood as two cisgender women (women assigned female at birth), engaging in a range of sexual play. However, the women involved don’t necessarily have to identify as lesbians to have lesbian sex! 

Confused? Don’t worry. Our language and identities are ever evolving, so it’s important to stay in the know! 

Bisexuals, pansexual, queer women, and even straight cis women can have lesbian sex

What’s even more wonderful is that the definition of lesbian is finally recognising various gender identities too. Trans (someone whose gender is different to what it was assigned at birth), non-binary and intersex folk can also have lesbian sex – that is, if those individuals choose to identify with the term lesbian. It’s incredibly personal.

So while sex between two women is the most widely understood definition of the term ‘lesbian sex’, it’s actually much more deliciously diverse than that.

Lesbian Sex: 'dyke' days of yore

NB: As a bisexual cis woman writing this piece, I have to point out that not everyone can use the term ‘dyke’. The rule of thumb my queer friends and I usually go by is: “if you can be called it, you can reclaim it.” 

Historically, at least in the West, lesbian sex has not been taken very seriously. 

The legacy of Freud and other notable psychoanalysts formed the popular understanding of sexuality including the belief that lesbianism is a pathological perversion, and bisexual tendencies as infantile

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That’s not to mention the erasure of lesbians from political history. When male homosexuality was made illegal in the UK in 1885, Queen Victoria was rumoured to have insisted that ladies do not do “such” things. While that was just a rumour, Parliament simply did not legislate an age of consent for lesbian sex. 

It was therefore left out of British law up until 2003, when it was finally placed under the Sexual Offences Act. Making the lesbian age of consent 16. 

Not only have lesbians had to suffer at least a century of medical pathologisation and political erasure, but under a patriarchal society, lesbian sex is often fetishised by men. It’s seen as the ultimate fantasy, which might not sound that bad, but being the target of objectification is an oppressive way of enforcing power and ownership over women’s bodies. 

Lesbian Sex: Myth Muncher

Lesbians can’t have sex

So we all know that lesbian sex exists, but even today it is scrutinised as the word “sex” in heteropatriarchal terms often refers to penis in vagina sex. Everything else is just “foreplay”. 

Luckily, the sex-positive movement and queer sex educators aim to re-center the idea that foreplay is sex, and decenter the penis; to broaden the term sex to include everything from an erotic kiss, to sensual massage, nipple play, anal play, dildos, and a whole lot more. 

Lesbian porn is how lesbians have sex

Unfortunately, a lot of the mainstream porn that you may encounter is directed by and for the male gaze. It is also created for entertainment purposes - making it visually stimulating rather than physically realistic. 

In real life, sex is very different, and lesbian sex, even more so. Ever noticed long fingernails on “lesbian” pornstars…? Most lesbians are coded with short nails, for obvious reasons - but I’ll spell it out for you - ouch, much?! This is typically for people who engage in fingering vulvas, but also anal fingering, because who wants a cut anywhere down there! 

Side note: If you plan to keep your nails during sex - make sure you wear latex gloves and shove cotton wool in the ends to avoid any accidental slicing! 

All women should know how to pleasure another woman

While it may be true to an extent that if you know how to please yourself, how different can it be having sex with someone of the same sex. In reality? Every person is different, and likes different things. Plus, it can take a lot of practice, communication and confidence to please another person. 

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There’s always a dom and a sub in lesbian sex

Not necessarily! While we often think that sex is binaried in dominating and submissing, lesbian sex challenges that. The terms “top” and “bottom” are often used in queer sex to describe the penetrating partner and the person being penetrated, however, that’s not to say the receiver isn’t playing a more dominant role – also known as a “power bottom”. 

Many lesbians do fit into the category of dom and sub, but this energy can also depend on the mood you are in, the partner you are playing with, and the kind of sexual experience you want to have. 

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Lesbian Sex: how to have it

Now we’re down to the juicy bits, how are your juicy bits doing? Lesbian sex is one hot piece of pie, that you better be ready for. 

Yet, many of us aren’t ready for it, at least the first time! And that counts for the first time with a new person too! So don’t put too much pressure on it, and hopefully you’ll pick up a thing or two from here. 

The beauty of lesbian sex is that it can be whatever you want it to be.

If you want to enjoy an hour of slow, hot, making out, then do that! If you want to take it further, start incorporating various erogenous zones, such as the neck and nipples with your mouth, hands, and toys

Woah, woah, woah. Slow down there cowgirl. Before we dive into the deep end, I want to address the all important C-word. No, not that one! Consent! While it may feel strange at first asking if you can do this or that, having an open conversation around consent can actually be incredibly hot. Try phrases such as: “Your lips look so tasty, can I kiss you?” or “Does it feel nice if I do XYZ?”. 

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Remember, be open to rejection (that’s a part of life), and navigate into a space where you both feel comfortable. Just because someone has said no to one thing, might just mean they just want to take a pause or try something else out. But make sure you don’t over step someone’s boundaries. A no to sex is a no full stop. 

Lesbian Sex: If your partner has a vulva

  • FINGERING: Start by stroking the outer lips and, if they are ready, the clitoris. Be gentle and communicate how much pressure they want on their vulva. Some people like direct clitoral stimulation, whereas others prefer indirect. Whether you wanna explore the vagina also needs to be communicated. Some people aren’t into penetration, and that’s a-okay! The G-Spot (while still speculated by some scientists whether it even exists) is a bundle of erectile tissue that sits a couple of inches on the front wall of the vagina. The classic technique is the “come-hither” fingering motion to arouse this area – and potentially lead to squirting.
  • CUNNILINGUS: When your partner is ready to enjoy some head, flatten your tongue to lick over the whole vulva. Try alternative techniques, such as moving your tongue side-to-side, or round in circles, to build up sensation.
  • BLENDED STIMULATION: For some finger licking pleasure, try fingering and licking at the same time. Combining both the techniques from above, or using a toy on the clit and G-spot can help your partner have a super intense blended orgasm. This is an orgasm that activates the back of the internal clitoris as well as the tip.
  • SCISSORING: Of course, while this position often refers to vulva-to-vulva contact, genital rubbing can be enjoyed with whatever bits you have. Just make sure there’s enough lube to avoid friction burn!

Lesbian Sex: If you partner has a penis or intersex genitals

Due to people’s relationship with their sex and gender identity they may experience dysphoria around their genitals, in any case, it’s always essential you ask for permission before intimately touching someone’s body, and also asking what they like their genitals to be called and how they like to be touched.

You can try different techniques including genital massage, oral sex and genital-to-genital rubbing. What can be incredibly hot is asking your partner to please themselves while you watch so you can learn exactly how they like to be touched. 

Lesbian Sex: Gimme more, gimme more

Can’t get enough of lesbian love, babe? Lucky for you, we have a whole article of lesbian sex positions for you to try – diagrams and all. 

Along with fun sex positions, you might want to incorporate some fun sex toys into the mix! Here’s just a few of my favourite suggestions:

Lesbian Sex TIP 1: lube, lube and more lube!

Make lube your best friend! It creates a whole new slippery and sensual sensation. Plus, we all experience dryness from time to time, and friction burn is a real thing that you want to avoid at all costs. 

When choosing a lube, there are different types to be aware of. Silicone-based lubes feel super silky, but should never be used with silicone-based toys. Oil-based lubes are long-lasting and great for external massage and anal play. Water-based lubes are perfect for all types of sex! 

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Lesbian Sex TIP 2: vibrators are a gals best friend

Toys that vibrate can be a great addition to the bedroom. Plus there is so much variety. There are clit vibrators, G-Spot vibrators, vibrating butt-plugs, and even vibrating nipple clamps. 

Lesbian Sex TIP 3: dildos and strap-ons

These are great for penetrating your partner vaginally or anally with. Even oral sex on a strap-on dildo can be super erotic. Make sure to use plenty of lube, and change condoms on the dildo if you are sharing toys. Always check in with the partner who’s being penetrated if they feel comfortable and ready. Explore different positions till you find one that works for both of you. 

Lesbian Sex TIP 4: kinky toys

Spice things up with a blindfold, handcuffs or a spanking paddle. Sensory deprivation is great for enhancing the other senses. You can (and should) pre-negotiate before a BDSM scene, to make sure you both know the roles you are playing and whatever safe word you want to use, such as “GRAPEFRUIT!” So you know when to stop. 


So there you have it. All of your lesbionic queeries answered. 

If you’re looking to engage some fun loving lesbian sex, I’d say you are at least ready to start exploring your deepest dykest desires. Remember to play with your sexual energy and enjoy whatever comes your way. 

For the lesbian sex fanatics out there, I hope you have learnt a thing or two, and can discover more about your own sexuality. 

oli lipski author of lesbian sex 101 article and sex educator

Oli Lipski (she/her) is The Queer Sensualist; a Sex Tech Writer and Sensuality Coaching in the making. Combining her passions of sex-positivity, queer theory and intersectional feminist thinking, Oli’s mission is to inspire more sensual wellness, while dismantling heteronormativity, along with gender and racial bias.
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