Sexual embodiment is important for everyone, but when there’s little room for conversation around inclusive sex it’s understandable that we can feel disconnected when it comes to sexual pleasure. Sex toys can help us explore embodiment around our sexuality and pleasure
Diving into inclusive sexual pleasure that includes LGBTQ+ can help people to explore their own sexuality. Part of sexual embodiment is to be able to explore sensations and fantasies, but when sex toys are focused on heteronormative ways of erotic play it can be hard to think about ways we can reach these forms of embodiment inclusively.
Navigating Sex Toys and Dysphoria
When searching for sex toys to buy it can sometimes be dysphoric IF you feel the design doesn’t match your gender. Shopping for sex toys from a sex toy store where sex toys are categorised by vibrator type or body part can sometimes help reduce feelings of dysphoria.
Many sex toys designed for internal play can be used by anyone as well as be used externally for all over body stimulation.
Remember erogenous zones aren’t defined by gender and everyone has different sweet spots that feel excited and pleasurable when stimulated by sex toys.
Inclusivity and Fantasies with Sex Toys
Fantasies that involve sex toys don’t always have to be something you act on, they can just be a passing thought, and sometimes spark sexual curiosity. Due to how we’re taught sex and pleasure should follow a heteronormative script we can be avoidant exploring our fantasies if they break this script. Sometimes simplifying how we look at our fantasies can help us become less audient in exploring them and also help us form a direction in what we what to do with these fantasies too.
There are three simple questions you can ask yourself when thinking about sex toy fantasies:
“Act on”
Do you want to act on this particular fantasy? This can show that you have desire to bring the fantasy into reality and help you set a sexual goal for the future.
“Curious About”
Are you just curious about the fantasy? Maybe you find the fantasy exciting but don’t mind if you make it a reality or not. When you can identify fantasies you are curious about it can be easier to give yourself permission to return to them in the future.
“Just A Thought”
It’s ok to have fantasies that are just thoughts and don’t fit with our sexuality and sex expression wants and needs. Recognising that these are just passing thoughts can reduce getting stuck on them and any conflicts they may have with your identity. If it’s just a thought it can be easier to let go.
REMEMBER we can all have fantasies that don’t align with our sexuality and sometimes these are just passing thoughts. At times our fantasies that don’t match our sexuality can lead to curiosity or the want for us to act on them, and that’s ok. This is known as erotic orientation where we become sensation and stimulation focused, and doesn’t make your sexuality any less valid.
Fantasies and Healing Trauma
If you identify as LGBTQ+ you have found that sexual experiences in the past didn’t fit with your sexuality and pleasure preferences as you weren’t given permission to explore them. Fantasies are a safe space where you can have control over your thoughts to an extent, meaning you can give yourself permission to explore fantasies that align with your LGBTQ+ identity and inclusive pleasure. When we explore fantasies that align with our identity it can also help release feel good hormones and build positive neuropathways around sexual pleasure and sexuality.
Awakening Erotic Sensations With Sex Toys
For many of us, sometimes we need stimulation to our erogenous zones to help build links in our minds that can lead to pleasurable release of hormones and arousal. Moving away from genital focus stimulation can be the key ingredient to helping understand that sexual pleasure and enjoyment is embodying both the mind and body as a whole. Massage candles can be a great way to explore sensations at first, particularly as they can be used on all types of bodies.
Adding in wand vibrators such as the Vita Bullet Vibrator or pebble vibrators like the Mimi to explore erogenous zones next can help you realise that even when the same area of the body is stimulated with either a massage candle or vibrator that they can lead to different sensations.
When exploring sensations on your body, asking yourself if something not only feels pleasurable when used on an area, but also be mindful if it doesn’t produce any sensations. When awaking erotic sensations and moving away from penis and vulva focused pleasure, it’s important to explore if some sensations feel amazing and others don’t do much, rather than focus on the negative sensations. If something doesn’t feel great, move onto the next area of your body or try a different type of sex toy, rather than staying focused on the unpleasurable.
Being Integrative In Partnered Play
We don’t want to separate the various parts of our identity when we’re with our partner, and we desire to be embodied when with our partner without having to hide parts of ourselves.
Communication can be key in helping to be integrative together about your sexual pleasure and sexual orientation. Asking each other about your fantasies, and mirroring back what your partner shared can help you develop empathy and understanding around why certain fantasies have importance to your sexuality and sexual pleasure.
An example could be, “There’s a fantasy I would like to act on / am curious about / or just have thought of.” And allow your partner to mirror back the fantasy adding afterwards why they think it’s important to you or what emotions they think you’ll feel from the fantasy.
This can help validate your fantasy and sexuality and bring reassurance within your relationship.
Pairing fantasies with exploration of sensations can help move away from heteronormative scripts when it comes to sexual pleasure and allow you to explore more freely with sex toys that aligns with your sexuality.
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Ness Cooper (she/her/they/them) is the resident Je Joue Sexologist as well as a clinical sexologist who works as a therapist in private practice. She has trained extensively in the field of human sexuality qualifying in various areas of sexual health, sex, and relationship education, sex and relationship therapy and coaching. She has also trained with the Kinsey Institute for Human Sexuality and is a member of the ISSM and American Board of Sexology.