The Crowdsourced Guide to Trans Sex: Solo Edition by Max Slack @theyrequeer
Disclaimer: Any personal experiences are written from the perspective of a white Trans man who is medically transitioning privately in the UK. These views are my own and do not by any means represent the wide range of experiences within the Trans community.
It’s Trans Day of Visibility 2022 and we’re sharing the second of a series of articles focussing on Trans sex and intimacy. All too often Trans folks, including non-binary and gender non-conforming identities, are sidelined when it comes to conversations about sex and pleasure. Many resources for Trans people (and their partners) are heavily focused on comparing Transgender bodies to cisgender bodies. They highlight differences rather than connections and focus on generalised experiences over individual pleasure.
The Crowdsourced Guide to Trans Sex is changing that. We’re collecting real experiences and stories from real Trans people. Sharing them to help you explore your identity, your body and find what makes you feel euphoric.
When Trans people start to understand their identity, transition socially and/or medically, it can change how they relate to their body and how they pleasure themselves. So, here’s our second collection, focussing on solo sex for Trans folks.
Thinking differently
Coming to terms with, your gender identity often comes hand in hand with a whole process of rethinking your relationship with yourself and your body. An intrinsic part of that is realigning your beliefs about gender, sex and how your body should or shouldn’t feel.
So many people, Trans and cis alike aren’t able to masturbate enjoyably because of a lack of understanding about their own bodies, or a sense of shame around self-pleasure which is often taught to us from a young age
So many of our community who answered questions about masturbation referenced moving outside of what we may have been taught or led to believe about sex and masturbation. Disconnecting our ideas about how certain body parts should be touched, or what we should and shouldn’t find arousing can open up a whole new level of sensation.
For me, the transition inside my head took a lot longer than it took my body. In some ways, I know it will always be an ongoing process. I had to actively correct myself inside my head on my own pronouns, as well as when I set a gendered boundary, “you should touch yourself like this” or more often “you can’t like that”.
“Once I realised I was Trans, I stopped worrying about what everyone else seemed to find enjoyable and started testing out things that I wanted to do. It helped me understand what my body reacts to and be kinder to myself”
Relearning your body
A changing understanding of yourself, as well as changes caused by HRT or gender-affirming surgeries, can all affect how we experience or obtain pleasure. Offer yourself the freedom to explore without boundaries, try new toys, positions, times of day, locations, anything and everything that you feel may work for you.
Remember, there are no rules to this; as long as your solo sex habits aren’t interrupting your day to day life or causing you pain, your body is yours to enjoy
For me, like a lot of people taking testosterone, HRT made my body a LOT more sensitive to sensation. Things I’d never enjoyed before, like vibrators, suddenly were a whole lot more appealing. I had to completely start from scratch when it came to understanding what felt good.
“I'm now much happier and more open to talking about it and also exploring new things now that I disconnect from my body parts a bit more”
“As I’ve explored my gender identity and come to terms with the fact that womanness and femininity have never really been a fit for me, I’ve begun to think more about having a dick when I masturbate. Channelling the sensation in my clit and imagining my body growing and expanding beyond cishet society’s wildest dreams and nightmares”
Genitalia does not equal gender
As we discussed in the first part of this series, gender identity, gender expression and sexual pleasure are not the same.
Just because you have a certain body part doesn’t mean that you need to touch it in a certain way, just because you present as a certain gender doesn’t mean you should fantasise about a certain topic or scene
Permit yourself to ignore the boundaries you might have placed on yourself previously, whether that be trying penetration as a form of solo sex, using a vibrator or a toy when you may not have previously allowed yourself to.
“Masturbating used to make me stressed because it would make me perceive my body more acutely as feminine because of what society says about the body parts I have, but as I’ve come to understand my gender identity better I’m less stressed because I understand that genitals don’t equal gender”
“I masturbate exclusively in a facedown position touching my clit. I can rarely get myself off any other way even with a vibrator. I’ve gotten a lot more adventurous with my masturbation over time and especially since top surgery now that I am not dealing with chest dysphoria every time I touch myself”
External validation
Accessories are an essential part of every outfit, and the same rule goes for masturbation. It’s time to bring some toys and tricks into the mix. When most people think of sex toys they think about comically sized veiny dildos with embarrassing packaging and limited use, but there’s a whole world of degendered and beautifully designed toys out there for Trans folks to find their joy.
HRT and surgery, or just body comfort, can change sensation and enjoyment for a lot of people, so it’s always worth trying out some new toys regularly to see what works for you
Non-sex specific items can also help when it comes to gender affirmation, packers, binders, tucking underwear, makeup, perfume, boxer shorts or nail polish can all help when it comes to feeling sexy and like yourself. You’ll be surprised how differently you can experience self-pleasure when a small thing makes you feel affirmed and comfortable in your body.
An unlikely candidate for a helpful masturbation accessory for me was a pair of noise reduction headphones. Before my testosterone-induced voice drop, my voice always caused me intense dysphoria. Headphones allowed me to make whatever noises felt good without putting myself off.
“At first I found all the packers and strap ons and was happy to masturbate wearing those. At the moment I am learning new things as testosterone therapy is changing my libido and the sensitivity of my genitals”
“I felt (and still feel) so euphoric using something highly realistic but also feels good on my anatomy”
Wild & free
The overwhelming theme of responses from our community about solo sex was all about rethinking how you see your body in relation to gender. We’re usually offered very limited and binary views of how self-pleasure should look, and relearning that can take a lot of time and experimentation. Be patient with yourself and your body, remind yourself that there is no shame in masturbation, solo sex, or whatever you want to call it. You deserve to feel good.
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Max Slack
Max, (pronouns: They/He) is a Trans content producer and activist based in London. As the creator behind @theyrequeer on IG, Max works with brands to help them reach the LGBTQ+ community. They believe that representation and authentic voices are the key to advancing LGBTQ+ rights, especially for the Trans+ community. With that in mind, Max is currently sharing every step of his medical transition journey on his Instagram, whilst supporting organisations to better serve, support and empower the Trans community.
@theyrequeer